I've recently discovered afformations, which is similar but different to affirmations. See, you recite affirmations to yourself everyday or now and again, whether it's in the morning when you wake up or just before you go to bed, even through out the day when you feel at your lowest. But afformations are questions that you derive from your affirmations, triggering your brain to look for answers why your so amazing instead of just saying "I am amazing". So when you ask these afformation questions, your subconscious mind travels to the universe to find answers, it triggers attraction of good energy, sounds amazing hey. I read somewhere online that affirmations, is an excersie we do to babysit insecurities instead of dealing with them, focusing on your lack of instead of focusing on your strengths. I quickly had to go through my journal, hoping that I could prove this article wrong.
03:01:2020, journal entry, point one. 1. Your acne does not take away anything from your beauty...
The very first line I drafted, highlighted and cushioned my biggest insecurity. Instead of assuring myself that, Yes!, I am a very beautiful young woman. I stated what was 'wrong' with me first, then followed it up with assurance. I've perfected the art of embedding my insecurities to every aspect of my life, and society didn't help much too. Growing up a dark skinned girl, I never knew how much I never loved being dark (well, low key I knew). You ever noticed how in those teen romantic Disney movies, the cute guy always went for the light skinned girl who spoke well, was calm and dressed well but never went for her 'supposedly' bestfriend who was her sidekick, loud and ready to fight anyone for her friend? (remember proud family) I may not be sure which movie I'm referring too, but you get the picture. That's where my insecurity with boys manifested. One of my best friends recently asked me, "do you ever notice that guys do look at you when you enter the room?". The thought of that immediately gave me cold feet, I never saw myself attractive simply because, well yellow bones win the race. And receiving compliments from strangers that insinuate that a majority of dark skinned black women are not beautiful, if you are, it's rare. If you are dark skinned and you have never heard this comment before... "you are so pretty for a dark skin girl"... then congratulations you are one of God's favorites. I've labeled myself as the cool girl, the ones who accompanies the ones who are liked. Never the girl that actually liked.
This spiraled out of control, it infiltrated my mind and held me hostage. I didn't like the girl I saw in the mirror. At the age of 14 I was a full on size 32, none of my peers were wearing that jean size in grade 8. Everyone was tiny, and I was thick. (I even opted for an oversized uniform so people couldn't really notice) I joined a modeling school and guess what, everyone who placed in a competition was skinny too(that did me no good). My blessing and curse is that I am a hardworker, vigilant and strong willed, even if it's something that's detrimental to me. If I wanted to place, I had to shed some weight. Everytime I took a bite, I felt nauseated and guilty, how could I bite my goal away. Give it all up for carbs? So I, secretly and very discreetly stopped eating, I was suffering from Dysmorphia. By matric I was a good size 28, but that wasn't good enough because those size 24 jeans from sissy boy still didn't fit me. I starved my self for that thigh gap, thighs that touch, were a disgrace. In my conquest to size 0, I suffered numerous and throbing headaches. I placed in many competitions and won some, but those sashes and crowns still didn't validate my worth.
My worth depended not on my aesthetics or character, it depends not on my accolades or failures, not on my mistakes and not on anyone else. To learn to truly embrace who I was and my worth, I needed to step aside and give myself a chance. Our biggest enemy is ourselves, that internal voice that never goes to sleep and constantly reminds us of what's wrong, or is boastful when you are doing better than others. I needed to put that person to sleep, so I did away with affirmations and welcomed afformations. I asked my self, why am I beautiful? (I have a nicely curved genuine smile, I'm authentic, my skin glows like the dessert sand past noon and before dawn, I have a face that looks best with hair behind the ear.) I am sweeping insecurities out the house and not under the rug. I'm learning everyday to be grateful, I'm learning to forgive my self for all the torture I put my body through. We are deserving and wonderful people, but if we don't have the reasons why, we'll never appreciate our presence and purpose on earth. Fill your love tank.
Un-insecure Ndo