Today I celebrate my last born 2nd birthday, when reduced to hours it means I have spent 8760 hours with my little boy. He was my surprise baby, in all honesty when my gynae told me I was 14 weeks in instead of saying “oh, looks like you have a fibroid”, I wanted to perish right there and then. What freaked me out the most was the fact that I already was a mother to an 11 month old baby boy, who also happened to be a surprise. I carried both these human beings full term, but still couldn’t come to terms with the fact I’m a mother. I remember I took the longer route home, I walked the long gravel road hoping for a pregnancy complication that will lead me to eventually terminate the pregnancy. Thoughts I am not proud of but if im honest, these are thoughts that crossed my mind more than once. I was selfish. I was worried more about the comments and shame that would come with the pregnancy. The “Another baby of wedlock?”, or the‘’akasebenzi, wazi ukuzala kuphela!” comments.
What made it even more harder was breaking the news to my parents, I didn’t tell them immediately, oh no, I kept it a secret for a few more weeks till morning sickness got to me. My mother really thought I had fallen ill due to inyongo and wanted me to take a laxative to help with detox. As vile as my thoughts were, I couldn’t bring myself to drinking it and purposefully harming a human being. I was told by my parents to pack my bags and leave home immediately. I understood my mother’s disappointment and hurt, but I had nowhere else to go as the man I was with had left me for another. So my guide today will be based on going through tragedy and healing holistically whether you are a mom, trying to conceive or have lost children, I hope my truth will heal you and help you realise that every enticing event that happens to you only happens to draw you closer to God!
Miracle birth(s)
I read somewhere that “the closest thing to God on earth is a woman carrying a child”. Reading this while trying so hard to beat insomnia during my first ever pregnancy, I couldn’t comprehend that I was being tossed a gold coin to go through the experience of birth and truly grasp what God was trying to teach me (so stubborn that I had to go through it twice). The contracting started early in the morning around 5am, during that time I was so in love with my then boyfriend and was willing to do just about anything to prove that I AM WORTH IT. I was worth to be loved, I was worth the respect, I was worth the honour, and I was worth to be the one. I had no clue that in the process I was unloving myself make it all worthless. I told my mom around 11am “its time”. Both she and dad dropped me off at a nearby clinic. Hours passed by and there I sat in agony, waiting for the moment of glory. 11pm, 1pm, 5pm the next day the nurse told me I’m fully dilated, my cervix was finally 10cm open, I couldn’t wait to push him out. We were only waiting for him to descend and for everyone in the room to see his head. Baby didn’t feel like showing up. Something was wrong. In the midst of my screams and panic, I overheard nurses discussing what could be the cause. One of them suspected that maybe the umbilical cord had tied around his neck and this could be the cause of baby not descending well. Even during that, I didn’t call on God but was more worried about losing the boyfriends son. I arrived at the hospital being an emergency case, I really felt the urge of squatting and grabbing the baby out. An episiotomy (a nice way of saying that a nurse took scissors and cut my vagina and perineum) was performed, I felt everything go loose and widened. 23 November 2015 my first son came into the world and made no sound at all. The second birth was no different, the same chaos, same sequence of events took place. The only thing that had changed was that this time, I was alone. No one to prove my worth too. In my vulnerable space I only had God to rely on. I said a silent prayer to Him, asking that can the end be the same as the last time. Can I walk out with my baby boy again and live to tell the tale. 13 May 2017, my second boy after complications of descending as well came into this world as loud as thunder. I completely surrendered and said to myself “I get it God, I’ll fully rely on you from now onwards”. Took me a while, but I finally understood.
The first year
In the pits of almost losing my mind. Big baby woke up at 5am and only went to bed around 6pm, while 'baby baby' slept during the day and demanded breastfeeding at night. I could only squeeze in two or three (if I’m lucky) hours of sleep. I also had to make sure they were both happy, cause if they’re happy that means no crying and if they’re not crying, my parents are happy. I decided to give up on trying to get some sleep. I opted to get 1 or 2 hours of sleep during the day. Powernaps keep you awake during the night. And when baby baby decided to sleep that night I used my time to read books, listen to podcasts specifically Alex Elle’s, Hey girl podcast. I wanted to deal with the fact that I was going through loss and also embrace this not so new task at hand. I knew I had to be fully healed and complete in order to fully appreciate my children for who they are individually and love them uniquely each to the own understanding of receiving love. I told everyone I did not have a phone, just to stay of social media as I didn’t want to be triggered whenever my ex posted his new love. We all are deserving of love, and he deserved to celebrate his true love the way he wanted too without me putting out bad energy. I slowly soothed, sang and sewed my life back together. Yes I bought a sewing machine and started sewing pillows and scatter cushions. Daunting and tiring as it was. It worked. I stumbled across self-care and walked into self-love. By grace, I wore my worth as a crown on my head.
Self-care holistic guide:
Prayer: you not only pray by kneeling and by uttering iziqu zikaJehova but you also pray through action and movement. pray through affirmations and declarations.
Change: take the trash out. Give away clothes that trigger the negative emotions, throw away the gifts, the cards, bury the memories they will do you no good.
Try: it takes effort to choose change. Even when a wave of negativity consumes you. Try to deal with it.
And last Presence: my children have grown up so quickly it feels like I missed a lot because I dwell in things that did not matter when I could have soaked up everything at the time when they were little. Be in the moment it only happens once.
Happy mother’s day!